Chapter 1: 08 The Call to Adventure

Background music

Your Malevolence King Feerborg, under the Maelstrom Despot of Skrea, Grasper of the Bolt, Lord of Pain, Terror under all Terrors, High Master of the Blood, and Soon-to-be Ultimate Fiend of the Kingdoms of Evil,

Avert Your wrath, oh Fiend, oh great and terrible Lord of Shadows, Your Malevolence. This loyal though eternally unworthy servant has rent asunder the souls of untold multitudes in order to abase himself before Your gaze.

The peoples of the world tremble in fear and black joy rises in my own cruel bosom upon the announcement that, upon the death of our still dearly feared previous Despot Wrothborg, the now Penultimate Fiend, He from Whose Hands the Blood never Dried (may vengeance fly on swift wings to his murderers), You, oh Scourge of the Weak and Oppressor of the Helpless, have succeeded to the Skull Throne of Skrea, and shall become ruler and Ultimate Fiend of all the Kingdoms of Evil.

As first surviving heir of our previous lamented Despot ( may his slayers’ hearts beat their last between Your teeth), You will henceforth subjugate our land from Your new home at Castle Clouds-Gather, in the diseased heart of the Skrean Bleaklands, the bloody hub of the vast wheel of pain and suffering that is the Kingdoms of Evil. There, You will dispense the lash of Your cruel whim across the nations of the continent until the time of Your eventual murder, may Your future assassins writhe forever in torment.

My organs rest within Your clutches,

Duke Milielan DeMacabre, Castigator of the Lower Waters, Torturer of the Wallowers, Oppressor of the Highest Slaves, Keeper of the Clot of Torture, Lord of the Sarcophagus at Macabre, Arch Chancellor of the Villainous Council, and Minister of Heart-Squeezing for the Kingdoms of Evil.

PS: Please find your hideous necromantic power, enclosed.

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  • Luke

    I love how the letter acknowledges that Freetrick will be murdered. The whole thing is wonderfully overblown.

    • dan

      “wonderfully overblown”! I like it.

  • dan

    When I wrote this, I tried to make it sound as evil as possible. Apparently “evil” means “full of incerted clauses.”

    • BHS

      And also “possessing of many long and elaborate titles”!

  • Nomen Nescio

    just found this serial the other day, and i have to say — i flat out love that PS line. makes me chuckle every time.

    • dan

      thanks 🙂

  • I love this. “Wonderfully overblown” is a great description, but at the same time, it also feels not only authentic in the sense of a “court” document written to a ruler, but also authentic to a civilization called the Kingdoms of Evil.

    • dan

      I wrote the letter in Mt. Holyoak library waiting for my wife to get out of a conference. At some point it occurred to me that “evil” should mean “has a lot of inserted clauses.”

  • techUnadept

    Mayor of a Small Villiage on the Coast, Lord of the Dance, Mistress of Magma.

    • dan

      Grand High Buffalo, Vice President of Mondays…(shiver) Director of HR.

  • Curious

    Just found this a week ago, loving it so far! Gotta love the over-elaborate speech. And people say SHAKESPEARE was verbose and unintelligibly sophisticated! You can practically SEE the smugness on this guy.