Prologue: 01

Prologue

Between

They called their nation Between.

The rest of the world, they called Good and Evil. Not that they recognized much difference.

“Whether you were painting rams’ blood on the standing stones or roasting mutton to feed the knights,” the old ones would say, “doesn’t it amount to about the same? And we sure as hell have to sacrifice virgins, whichever side decides to pass through our territory. So where does that leave us?”

In Between, of course.

Few peoples are so certain of the world, or their place in it.

Occasionally, though, someone will reason that “if we live between Good and Evil, wouldn’t it make more sense just to walk west down the mountains and go all the way over to Good? It should be better than here, right? By definition?”

And so, one day, a young man left the village of his birth and took the One Road down the mountain to seek his fortune.

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  • dan

    The beginning of the whole thing. Enjoy.

  • Luke

    I feel like this whole scene goes on a little too long. Why is nobody else rushing in to see what’s going on? Why is everyone just standing around? A lot of it doesn’t really advance the plot.

    That said, he language throughout is really beautiful. I like your use of unusual words and metaphors.

  • Luke

    Whoops, that comment was supposed to accompany the scene where Freetrick is threatened by the proctors and taken away :P.

    • dan

      I think you’re right. Do you have any suggestions for how I could condence this?

      • Luke

        I’d suggest getting rid of some of the superfluous funny stuff, like the bureaucratic technobabble of the proctors, or Mr. Skree’s little asides. Just have Freetrick get there, see the proctors, have his friends arrive, and get taken away by Bloodbyrn (but don’t get rid of ALL the silly dialogue 😀 ) .

        • dan

          Good idea. This scene could definitely have used some extra cutting.
          Another possibility I’ve been considering recently, is working a time-jump into the narrative. Reading my favorite authors, I notice that they can skip over necessary but uninteresting events by simply jumping over them. Something like:
          “Don’t move!” The proctor shouted.
          Freetrick froze, and stayed that way. Even when the carriage door opened and an extremely scary woman walked out of it.
          What do you think?

        • Anonymous (no affiliation with 4chan)

          But I /like/ the superfluous funny stuff…

          • dan

            I think the secret is that any given chunk of text has to DO something. Either it has to be entertaining in and of itself, or it has to provide the background nessisary for an entertaining scene later on…or preferably both.

  • Henry

    Nice, throws up interesting concepts. Bit unclear though.

    • dan

      Hi, Henry. I’m glad you were interested. Can you tell me what’s unclear? Is it unclear what is happening (shame on me), or in the nature of the world and the fate of this character (wait and see?). And are you commenting on the whole thing, the prologue only, or just the first page? Thanks for the comment

  • BHS

    First impression: that’s a hell of an opening! It really reaches out and grabs you, pulling you in to the world of the story. Off to read more…

    • dan

      Thank you! Although it’s deceiving. I hope you won’t be mad when you get to the end of the prologue.

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