The lazy hero

This is a response/continuation of a request posted on tumblr:

“what I want to see is a story in which the practical dedicated young warrior receives a prophecy that one day they’re going to save the world from great evil and uses it as an excuse to do whatever the hell they want for the rest of the story”

I invite you to imagine that hero surrounded by all the secretaries and underlings and bureaucrats of the priesthood, struggling to make sure that the prophecy they made up actually comes to pass.

“Your holiness, the Chosen One turned out to be a lazy asshole after we, uh, chose him. Can we please just kill him and start over?”

(sigh) “No, too many people have seen the idiot’s face. Remind me to put a mask on the next Chosen One. You can put a mask on anyone.”

“We actually have found someone who resembles the Chosen One, your holiness. The problem is that he’s an ignorant farm-boy with no skills. We’d have to train him up from nothing in mere months.”

“He’ll be hacked apart on the battle-field…unless we use zombies. Zombie soldiers are even more useless on the battlefield than peasants.”

“And he’ll have a reason to want to keep one of us around. Otherwise he’ll be totally lost.”

“I don’t know, though. A peasant? The Chosen One is supposed to rule the kingdom after all.”

“Well, we could put it about that he’s the long lost son of someone or other.”

“Who? Nobody’s going to recognize some jumped up swine-herd as their heir…unless…What if we say Lord Awful was the kid’s father? The heretic isn’t going to be in a position to argue, once our boy kills him.”

“Good idea, your holiness!”

“Course it’s a good idea! Now get cracking! We need to get someone burying caches of mystical artifacts post haste!”

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