Story Germs 7

Part 1:

Opens with the slave girl escaping some Hudsoni slavers in the ruins of Detroit.

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ME:

Love the first line. Very thematic.

Good worldbuilding in the second cell.

The third cell, though, seems redundant.

Why not stretch a voice bubble out from the thirsty guy “Where’s that water, girl?” into the space between two smaller cells, split vertically. On the left is the dirty and gross Monia-to-be wearing a yoke (symbolism!) from which hangs water. She’s giving some to an exhausted slave when she hears the call. The cell to the right is a close up on her furious expression. That way one of the main characters gets introduced on the first page. And our first impression of her is she LOVES protecting people and HATES being a slave.

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ME:

Likewise, I think this page can be condensed into “Where is she? Find her and give her a good beating this time. She’s no good to anyone if she can’t learn her place.” heard off-screen while we focus on the girl running. That way it becomes clear that she is remembering this stuff as she runs. (and there’s another page you don’t have to draw)

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Page 4 Looks perfect. You can draw the remembered dialogue of the two Slavers through this part, if you want her to remember them saying more

Page 5: love the top-part. (and bolas. You can never have enough bolas)

Nice character design of the girl, too.

The hole and the fact she might fall into it are a little less clear. Perhaps have the Slavers say something like “get away from there! You’ll fall in.” Then, (idea! Symbolism) her face sets. She looks down into the hole and spreads her arms. “Crazy Hesukristian bitch!” yell the slavers as she intentionally jumps into the hole. I like it when characters do things intentionally rather than by accident.

While fleeing, she falls into an ancient, ruined shuttle with a seemingly dead cyborg in it.

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It might be nice for her to say something like “my God” so the reader can expect she will worship this thing, rather than reprogram it or chew on it or whatever.

She unwittingly drips blood onto the cyborg, and it awakens just as her pursuers find her…

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Ooh. I like the blood thing.

Maybe it isn’t accidental. Maybe she intends to commit suicide, sacrificing herself to what she thinks is an idol. This would mesh with some themes from the end, and of course the whole Jesus thing. 

We can see her hands moving in a ritual, taking her own blood and pouring it on the cyborg, praying:

“Hesukristo, Lord of the Corn, give us this day our daily bread…Deliver us from your Father in heaven…Your kingdom come…the land fruitful once again…And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.”

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That “deliver us from evil” can carry over onto the next page, superimposed over the Slavers on page 10.

 I think you can skip page 11 entirely. Just have  the Slaver climb down into the shuttle, see some vague, dark shapes (perhaps with some lights suggesting menacing eyes?) and then skip ahead to…

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KRUHN!

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I love it!

This guy has secondary arms, right? How about have them reaching up? So while the big arms curve protectively downwards, the little arms beseech the sky, also looking like wings, or satanic horns, or a halo.

 

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  • Sean Cusack

    Holy guacamole, the cyborg is huge. I wonder what the giant arms are for though… clearly not for holding normal-sized infantry weapons.

    • bensendaniel

      smackin’ people? Climbing?